How did it happen...?please dont....

Today is a rainy saturday morning!My guess is its been raining since yesterday night.I witnessed the heavy rain yesterday and the strong blowing wind.Its rather cold now.As for me,i dont think i slept nicely.i was turning left right up and down.Thats cause i had to sleep on the floor.I didnt wanna sleep up on the double decker bed because it was cold and raining.So,i decided to sleep down.I had a dream too.I'm not sure whether it was a nightmare or a nice dream.But i was scared when i got up.Maybe its a nightmare because in the dream,lots of bad things happened...Its a blurry vision now.I cant seem to recall.Anyways,i've been feeling upset lately.The thing is...i dont wanna do the act...Truthfully,i dont wanna do it cause while i'm doing it,i feel that i'm about to cry.One of the reasons is because of my role and i have to do it infront of people on stage.I'm scared.My role.....i cant do it...I'm really sorry..but i cant do it.My Heart feels so heavy that its about to fall out but how am i gonna tell esther about this...?She worked hard preparing everybody and doing all this and that...I cant just say i dont wanna act...Besides,i'm the one who said i'll do it to help her.Please...i dont really want to...I feel so bad and depressed.I cant run away..I have to do it.No matter how hard or uncomfortable it is,i gotta do it.No choice for me.Part of my role is Holding a guy's hand multiple times.Thats one i cant afford doing.Theres only one person's hand i would love to hold many times and have fun but in order for that to happen,i have to wait for the moment.I'm sorry,my love.Please forgive me.Someday soon,i will be waiting when it will be ur turn where i can finally hold ur hands.When that happens,dont expect me to let go.I wont be able to do so once i hold on tight to ur hand.For now,do ur best to keep urself and everybody else happy.